Pondering ....

Doing some math tonight - i've lost about 38 lbs since i got pregnant.

Since September i've been gaining/losing the same 2 lbs.

I have about 4 weeks left till baby comes. Just wondering if i'm going to keep staying the same or if i will gain a bit. I guess time will tell.

According to most websites the weight gain of a typical pregnancy is about 15-25 lbs for an already overweight mom. I found this neat breakdown of the extra's going on in my body -
7 - 9 pounds of baby (in my case i'm guessing much closer to 6 or 7 lbs than 9)
2 pounds of placenta
2 pounds of amniotic fluid
4 - 5 pounds of increased blood volume
2 pounds uterine enlargement
3 - 4 pounds of fluid in maternal tissue

I guess what got me really thinking about all this is the compliments i've gotten lately about being "so tiny" for having a baby in 4 weeks. I have to confess it's very nice to hear, but at the same time starting to make me worried that i'm too small or something - i know worry when you're too big, worry when you're too small *sigh*

I guess we will see what happens over the next 4 weeks. If i gain some weight, i'm not going to let it bother me. When this is all over with we'll see where we stand and my plan is still to get back on track, lower the carbs and get the rest of this weight off. Then of course there is the looming skin issue to deal with but one bridge at a time i guess :-)

Staying the same

I've been the same weight now since the end of September. I may even gain a few pounds in the next few weeks as baby finishes the last sprint of growth before she's born. I know that as my belly is gaining i am losing in other areas cause my pants are falling off my butt on a regular basis :-)
I'm still really struggling with the loose skin issue. I never expected to have a self image issue, i figured once the weight was lost i'd have more confidence, but i actually don't, I don't see the weight loss as much as everyone else does. All i tend to see is the imperfections it has brought about. I'm working on it, but it's definitely a bigger problem than i expected.

Time is going quick...

I'm just over 33 weeks pregnant, time is flying! I've been hanging out right around the 243-245 point for a few weeks now. I lose a 1/2 lb here and there, but never really go anywhere "fast". And i am TOTALLY FINE with that. Baby weighs around 4 lbs now, plus all the fluid, placenta, etc I am sure i'm still losing fat in other areas. And, actually truth be told i KNOW i am, cause things are lose on me like never before. My face, neck & shoulders have changed so much - i can see my shoulder bones, i have shape and definition there like i never had. It's fantastic.
I have to confess the loose skin is really bothering me. I have a round tummy from baby but the skin under is soooo loose and gross. My ass is like a puddle when i sit. My thighs & arms have the jiggle. There's sooo many things i don't like and I am struggling with that. I know that it doesn't really "matter" and that being lighter & soooo much healthier is what really "matters". But it's really hard to have this new self image problem, when i was so heavy i just hid everything & pretended it was there. Now I want to wear the smaller clothes, the short sleeves, etc. but at the same time i still fight the urge to "hide" all the things i don't like. Thankfully after baby comes I will be able to wear shapewear more - right now just about everything i've tried compresses the tummy too much and is uncomfortable.
So 7 weeks to go and hoping by mid January to see a good loss of baby weight that will bring me down maybe another 20 lbs putting me on track to getting to my personal goal of 199. Realistically my "goal" weight should be much lower than that, but i will be completely utterly thrilled to just be under 200 lbs for the rest of my life that if i'm 199 and never lose another pound i will consider myself a 100% success!

A bit of a "scare"...

So Saturday evening around 7 pm i had what i thought was just gas pain, but it quickly became severe, unbearable "gas pain". I tried several things to relieve it and nothing seemed to help. It was utterly impossible to get comfortable. I "toughed it out" until 11 ish and called the on call dr. for my midwife's practice. I have to say he was less than helpful. He really gave me an attitude that it didn't sound like anything "ob related" but something related to my surgery. While i totally agreed with him on that point, the issue is that anything serious does relate to the baby - duh!
I "toughed it out" a while longer and then texted my friend/midwife, i hate doing that because i don't like to infringe on our friendship by texting/calling her with problems when she's not on call, but i needed help. I talked to her around 2 and we decided i need to go NPO (nothing to eat/drink) to let my bowel rest and see if that made any differene. I had thrown up just 1 time at that point, but she said if i went NPO and continued to throw up, it could potentially mean there was an obstruction.
I did end up throwing up twice more before following up with her in the morning so when i had to go in and be evaluated.
Luckily baby girl was doing great through all this, kicking up her usual "storm" in there. When she was monitored she looked great, and thankfully no contractions. I know early Saturday evening i had some but i felt they were just related to all the pain, by sunday morning i had no contractions so all was good on the baby front.
My pain however wasn't letting up much and worst of all i had no bowel sounds!
Unfortunately the dr & radiologist couldn't seem to agree that i needed a CT scan to rule out an obstruction. The radiologist is pretty "old school" about pregnancy and risk to baby. However, if she was to be born at 29 weeks gestation the amount of xrays and scans she would have would probably be 10X or more radiation than the one test would be. Also not knowing for sure what was going on with me, left her hanging in the balance too.
Sunday afternoon while the dr's were "fighting" about what testing to do for me, i had been able to have 2 good BM's (you know poops, gotta love a blog that talks about poop). and my pain started to get less after that. But because there was still the possibility of a high up obstruction or a partial obstruction everyone felt i still needed further evaluation.
Finally OB dr. backing up my midwife decided to call perinatal center in Syracuse to have them take me and evaluate the possibility of obstruction. I had to take an ambulance ride to Syracuse Sunday night, let me tell you they really need to come up with some better shock absorption on those puppies, what an uncomfortable ride, i'm lucky the ride alone didn't put me into labor for goodness sake.
My pain was essentially gone by the time i got to Syracuse (minus the uncomfortable stretcher in the back of a very bouncy ambulance pain i had). The doctors at Crouse decided to give me clear liquids overnight and see how i did.
I had no issues with the clear liquids, and was able to have another BM monday morning. Dr. Silverman bless his heart, asked me what i thought happened. I explained that i really felt i did have a small obstruction of some sort, or at least a severe "Back up" of my bowels but that the NPO all day sunday had helped it to resolve itself. He seemed to totally agree, though he never committed to saying i had an obstruction for sure.
He let me go home. I put myself on a "rest" couple of days. And am altering my "normal" diet back down to more soft foods just to be safe. I'm being very careful about getting in extra fluids.
At this point my tummy is still sore, i think it's just recovering from whatever did happen and is tender. I'm hopeful baby will stay in baking for the next 10 weeks and we'll have no more issues. It was very very very scary to think about having a preemie and have her life at risk as well as mine. Thank God it worked out on it's own!

1 Year Ago

What an AMAZING year it has been!

1 year ago tonight i was preparing myself for my impending surgery. I was nervous & excited!

At one year out A LOT has happened to me.

I have lost 133 lbs and 51 1/2" from my body.

I have gained SO MANY things, too many to list honestly. The big one is my health of course. I have gained a new baby on the way - Olivia Grace will join our family in December. (see side picture and you can see a protruding little bump saying hello) I'm 100% sure i would have never gotten pregnant without the weight loss. It was a shock but it's a blessing for sure. I have more confidence in myself now. I have a WOW moment just about every single day. It's hard to believe how much easier life is when you aren't morbidly obese. Simple things like sitting comfortably in a restaurant booth. The little things like that, may seem like "no big deal" but once you've been obese you know they are a HUGE deal.

I DO NOT REGRET MY SURGERY FOR EVEN ONE SECOND! It has totally and completely changed my life for the better! I look forward to the next year that will bring our new baby to us. Hopefully continued weight loss. Maybe reaching my goal weight. AND SO MUCH MORE!!!!

2 1/2 lbs in July ...

I shouldn't be disappointed, i know that. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and should be over the moon THRILLED to be at a 130 lb loss in 11 months. I'm just going through a phase, it will pass I'm sure. Part of me is afraid that i'm falling into an old habit of finding an excuse to let myself "slide". Though i guess if you want a valid excuse being pregnant is a good one. The rational part of me knows that if i don't eat the carbs and calories baby will not grow right, so i do it. The irrational part of me feels super guilty for "cheating" on my diet and hindering myself. I just need to find a happy middle and keep reminding myself as soon as this baby is born, i am going right back on the right path, no if, ands or butts about it, nor any excuses!!!

The WOW moments happen all the time it seems...

I don't always even realize it at the time, but i have "WOW" moments all the time! A great example was this past Friday & Saturday. Friday Faith and I joined a group of "mommy" friends & kiddos for a trip to the beach. Last year, I probably would have worn something like shorts & a t-shirt, and still felt like a total "stand out" super overweight, OMG everyone is staring at me, uncomfortable person. But, not this year, i wore my bathing suit, yes me a bathing suit to the PUBLIC beach - amazing milestone for me. Was I still a little uncomfortable, absolutely - what woman isn't when she's in a bathing suit (okay well except the super model perfect body types). BUT, I didn't worry about what others thought, or the fact that my legs & arms are flabby. I just focused on the fact that I was wearing a bathing suit 2 sizes smaller than ever before (a 2x) and that I was going to have fun with my daughter & my friends at the beach. And we did!
Move on to Saturday. Friends contacted us and said to come down to their cottage on the lake and visit. We went ahead at the spur of the moment, threw our bathing suits in a bag and headed out. I wore my bathing suit, on a boat, got off said boat and swam, got back on the boat without any trouble (you know the awkward i'm really too fat to be doing this kind of troubles?) and had an amazing time actually swimming and playing in the sun with my family!!
It's days like these that are the total reason i had this surgery. I am no longer sitting out on life, i'm embracing it! I'm joining in and being a part of fun activities with my family. I'm not sitting on the sidelines watching the fun, i'm part of it!!

Baby Steps...

This last couple months really has seemed like "baby steps". The weight is slowly coming off now, a lb here and a lb there. But it's SLOW...and i know exactly why, so I'm not overly concerned, but it's on my mind just the same. Once baby is here and I can get back to business, i'm confident it will pick up again (heck, just the baby weight alone will probably get me back to business!).
I'm finding this pregnancy much more tiring than I thought it would be. Just when I had gotten all this energy and determination to accomplish the goals of "post weight loss", I find myself feeling very indifferent to accomplish much of anything. It's frustrating but i continue to remind myself that this too shall pass and once this little miracle is here, i can have my body & mind back (well sort of LOL).
I am now down 128 lbs, weighing in at around 251. I am thinking i'm going to stay right around 250 for a while, the scale isn't moving in leaps and bounds now and I'm totally okay with that. I have mixed emotions about potentially "gaining back" some of the weight i have lost. I want baby to be healthy, that is my absolute #1 priority, so that means eating a lot more carbs than i'm necessarily comfortable with.
When I entered into this lifelong diet change, i knew that cutting carbs, especially simple carbs was going to be a major lifelong change. I was READY, and i struggle with eating them knowing full well they are impeding my continued weight loss. But, the flip side is if i don't eat them, I easily go into ketosis and putting baby at greater risk, i'm not willing to do that. I confess to struggling each day with getting in the required 90 grams of protein plus enough carbs to keep myself out of ketosis & therefore keep baby healthy. But I take it one day at a time and do my best, that's all I can do.
I am hoping and praying that when we have our mid pregnancy ultrasound on the 25th that baby is totally healthy and at an appropriate size for gestational age, I worry so much about my nutritional intake, my vitamin levels & my malabsorption of nutrients. I try to push those thoughts to the back of my mind, but since i'm turning this into a confessional of sorts, the "what ifs" are definitely there. I guess the only thing to do is continue to do my absolute best with intake & say a lot of prayers.
Baby steps ...

125 lbs !!! WOW

I can't believe i've lost 125 lbs, it's such a HUGE number! In reality some people weigh a 125lbs, so have i lost a whole person? I guess one could look at it that way. I don't regret my surgery for one minute, it's absolutely most definately the BEST thing i ever did for myself, my family and my future!

The pregnancy continues to go well and i'm continually amazed at how i keep losing a little here and there despite eating more than "a normal post op" would. I'm very focused on eating enough to ensure baby is getting enough vital nutrition for growth, i fear that will be an issue coming up soon when i have my next ultrasound. I anticipate them saying baby is small for gestational age, and i know i will feel guilt about it. That's why i'm trying to be incredibly vigilant in my eating, i'd like to think i can totally avoid the problem but i'm also realistic and i know that my lack of absorption (due to the surgery) is going to make it very difficult.

Another 5 lbs in May...

So weight loss has slowed again, but it's to be expected, especially with the pregnancy. I'm finding i need to eat a lot more carbs than i had thought i would need to in order to avoid being in ketosis, which can be dangerous in pregnancy. I think the extra carbs probably attribute a lot to my slowing weight loss. I am now 13 weeks pregnant, over the next couple months i anticipate a stop in weight loss, but am hoping to not regain much weight, we'll see what happens :-)

Overall i'm feeling great. I'm constantly amazed by the little things, things that pop up that i realize i can now do easily that i struggled with before. Camping this year has been far more enjoyable than before, i can be more active and do so much stuff so much easier!